I know I usually write devotionals on this blog, but the
Lord has laid it on my spirit to share my testimony this week instead. It’s not the usual type of testimony of being
saved and freed from a lifestyle of sin, it’s a testimony about accepting Jesus
into my life for the first time, and it’s not a testimony about
repentance. My testimony is one of
spiritual growth and learned reliance on God.
It all started in January at the beginning of my college
semester this year. One of my amazing
English professors told us that for our first assignment she wanted us all to
pray and then choose a word for the year.
The word was meant to be an area in our lives that we wanted to change,
mature, or develop in. The word we chose
was meant to be a focus for us, so we could see God help us in that area as the
year progressed. After praying, I knew
my word was Growth. The reason I chose
this word was because I knew there were so many areas in my life that I wanted/needed
to grow and mature in. After choosing my
word, I somewhat forgot about it for the next month or so. Then, it came up and I was able to look back
over those past few months and see how God had helped me grow in my ability to
be more outgoing and make friends. He
even allowed me to do an eight minute presentation that I didn’t think was
possible for me to do!
The semester came to a close, and I returned home to my
family. I forgot about my word again
because of the business of everyday life.
Then, in about the middle of June, God brought the word back to my remembrance. As I remembered how I wanted to Grow, I was
able to look back and see where God had opened up opportunities for me to
Grow. He helped me in my independence, I
no longer relied on other people to talk and lead a conversation. He opened up the door for me to get a job that
I loved. The job was totally outside of
my comfort zone at first, but because I was willing, I was able to grow in my
ability to work with college students and help them in overcoming their
struggles. It wasn’t easy at first, but
because of the difficulty, I had to rely on God. When I thought about all these things and saw
God’s hand at work from the beginning of the year leading up to that point, and
I saw all of the areas God had helped me grow in, I was overwhelmed by His love
for me. I went before Him thanking Him
that He cared enough about me to help me in each of these areas. And it was at that moment I realized the year
was only half way finished. I had no
idea what God had in store!
A few weeks later, I left to help at middle school church
camp. I was so excited to see how God
would use me and help me grow. Every
year I look forward to the time God gives me with each student, the weeks I am
able to invest in the lives of campers, and the fellowship that is had with
other believers. Through the week, God
helped heal some areas in my life that I had been hurt in. He helped me to overcome past regrets and grow
in my love for others so that I could truly forgive from my heart and not just
my head. He helped me to open up again
in ways I never thought I could or would.
I thought I would possess the scar of past hurt for the rest of my life.
I thought I would never trust the same
way again. But God proved me wrong, as
He so often does. He healed what had
been broken, and filled the hole left in my heart. It was not easy for me to accept complete
healing and give forgiveness, in fact, it was one of the hardest areas for me
to grow in. But I realized that if God
can forgive me, then how can hold anything against anyone else. Once these walls were broken down, the Lord
helped me grow in my friendships with many of the other helpers and students at
camp. I was blessed in the time I was
able to spend with all of them! And
through these friendships, the Lord showed me that He had a unique purpose for
my life that only I could fulfill.
When I returned home, I thought that all of my growing
was done. I couldn’t see any area that
was possibly left to fix, or change. However,
God had other plans, and He saw one major area of my life that desperately
needed to Grow. I returned home to a message
from the Girls Ministries leader from my church asking me if I would be willing
to preach at the upcoming girls retreat in two weeks. She told me the theme was Flourish and I
would need two 45 minutes to an hour long sermons plus a 25-30 minute morning
devotional. She told me that God had
laid it on her heart to ask me. When I
saw the message, my initial response was to reply immediately and tell her that
God was mistaken. Then I wanted to tell her that I had never done one sermon
longer than five minutes let alone three sermons, and I had never written them
and memorized them in less than two weeks, so there was no possible way I could
do it! Not to mention, I am so
uncomfortable standing up and speaking in front of a group! To be honest, I was right. In my own ability, I was not capable of doing
this. But God reminded me that I was not
the same person I was at the beginning of the year, He reminded me of all the
areas in my life that He had helped me to grow, and he reminded me of my desire
to be used by Him. I could almost hear
Him say to me, “Do you not trust me and my ability? Do you not believe that you can do what I say
you can do? Have you forgotten your
prayer, ‘here am I, send me’? And do you not want to Grow in this area and come
closer to me?” Then He reminded me of
one of my favorite verses, Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through
Christ who gives me Strength.” It was at
that moment I realized that this is what God wanted me to do, and could either
be obedient or choose not to listen to His call.
I replied to the message the next day. I told our coordinator that I would love to
minister to the girls. I was nervous, I
was afraid, and I was so worried that I would fail. But I knew God had called me. After praying for days on what God wanted me
to speak on, He enabled me to write the two sermons. I had yet to discover what He wanted me to
preach on for the morning devotional.
The retreat was only a few days away.
As I prayed, I felt the Lord lead me to ask a youth pastor I knew from
camp for advice. This was a huge step of
faith for me! I am the kind of person
who doesn’t like others to see a project I am working on until it is perfect
and complete. I didn’t want to ask for
advice from anyone because I was afraid that I was writing my sermons
incorrectly, I was afraid that the content was not good, and I was afraid I would be criticized and told
that I couldn’t preach. But I pushed all
of these fears aside, I swallowed my pride of wanting to do it myself, and I
asked for advice and help. In the end, I
was so thankful that God helped me to see that I needed help. My friend had amazing ideas that I was able
to turn into the morning devotional. I
was given advice that helped each sermon become truly focused on God and not my
own ability or inability. God used Him
in my life to show me that it’s okay to ask for help, and sometimes when we do,
that’s when God opens a door.
After the sermons were written, I was able to look back
and see the growth that had taken place in my life over the past week in a
half. If I had possessed any doubt that
God wanted me to preach, those doubts were shattered when I saw the enemy
working in my life trying to stop me. He
had tried without success to silence me in my fear. He had tried to stop me from asking for
advice by using my pride and stubbornness.
And since he had failed in these areas he attacked my health. A few days before the retreat I became very
sick! I couldn’t stand for long periods
of time without feeling like I would pass out.
I felt like I couldn’t breathe because of all of the chest congestion I
was experiencing. I kept coughing but it
never helped. All I could do was
rest. I knew that if I could just get a
good night’s sleep that I would begin to recover. But every night leading up to the retreat, I
was unable to get the rest I needed. I
was so scared that I would wake up the day of the retreat and be too sick to
minister to the girls. But despite Satan’s
attack on me, God was far from finished with me. The day before the retreat, I almost passed
out more than once due to my sickness, my head pounded! But I was determined not to quit. The next day, although I was still sick, I felt
much better.
The
first night of the retreat , just before
I went up to preach, I was terrified.
All those fears of failure and making mistakes came flooding back to
me. But I wanted to grow and be used by
God. And that is exactly what
happened. The moment I stepped up the
stage and started ministering to those girls, the Lord took away my fear and
replaced it with a peace that can only be found in Him. He allowed me to poor out myself so that I
could be filled with Him and show His love to each girl. There were many points in that first sermon
where His Holy Spirit and love overwhelmed me and almost brought me to tears. I was so overwhelmed and humbled to know that
God had chosen to use me! I couldn’t
believe it! Words cannot describe what
it feels like to know you were chosen and used by God to reach others.
The rest of the weekend flew by along with each
sermon. The girls were so receptive it
amazed me! To see each student go after
God they way they did was truly amazing!
At the completion of the week, I am now able to look back and see how
much God has helped me to Grow this week, this month, and this year. I know this is only the beginning of His plan
for my life, and I can’t wait to see what the rest of the year has in store!
