Testimony of Growth!

            I know I usually write devotionals on this blog, but the Lord has laid it on my spirit to share my testimony this week instead.  It’s not the usual type of testimony of being saved and freed from a lifestyle of sin, it’s a testimony about accepting Jesus into my life for the first time, and it’s not a testimony about repentance.  My testimony is one of spiritual growth and learned reliance on God.

            It all started in January at the beginning of my college semester this year.  One of my amazing English professors told us that for our first assignment she wanted us all to pray and then choose a word for the year.  The word was meant to be an area in our lives that we wanted to change, mature, or develop in.  The word we chose was meant to be a focus for us, so we could see God help us in that area as the year progressed.  After praying, I knew my word was Growth.  The reason I chose this word was because I knew there were so many areas in my life that I wanted/needed to grow and mature in.  After choosing my word, I somewhat forgot about it for the next month or so.  Then, it came up and I was able to look back over those past few months and see how God had helped me grow in my ability to be more outgoing and make friends.  He even allowed me to do an eight minute presentation that I didn’t think was possible for me to do!

            The semester came to a close, and I returned home to my family.  I forgot about my word again because of the business of everyday life.  Then, in about the middle of June, God brought the word back to my remembrance.  As I remembered how I wanted to Grow, I was able to look back and see where God had opened up opportunities for me to Grow.  He helped me in my independence, I no longer relied on other people to talk and lead a conversation.  He opened up the door for me to get a job that I loved.  The job was totally outside of my comfort zone at first, but because I was willing, I was able to grow in my ability to work with college students and help them in overcoming their struggles.  It wasn’t easy at first, but because of the difficulty, I had to rely on God.  When I thought about all these things and saw God’s hand at work from the beginning of the year leading up to that point, and I saw all of the areas God had helped me grow in, I was overwhelmed by His love for me.  I went before Him thanking Him that He cared enough about me to help me in each of these areas.  And it was at that moment I realized the year was only half way finished.  I had no idea what God had in store!

            A few weeks later, I left to help at middle school church camp.  I was so excited to see how God would use me and help me grow.  Every year I look forward to the time God gives me with each student, the weeks I am able to invest in the lives of campers, and the fellowship that is had with other believers.  Through the week, God helped heal some areas in my life that I had been hurt in.  He helped me to overcome past regrets and grow in my love for others so that I could truly forgive from my heart and not just my head.  He helped me to open up again in ways I never thought I could or would.  I thought I would possess the scar of past hurt for the rest of my life.  I thought I would never trust the same way again.  But God proved me wrong, as He so often does.  He healed what had been broken, and filled the hole left in my heart.  It was not easy for me to accept complete healing and give forgiveness, in fact, it was one of the hardest areas for me to grow in.  But I realized that if God can forgive me, then how can hold anything against anyone else.  Once these walls were broken down, the Lord helped me grow in my friendships with many of the other helpers and students at camp.  I was blessed in the time I was able to spend with all of them!  And through these friendships, the Lord showed me that He had a unique purpose for my life that only I could fulfill. 

            When I returned home, I thought that all of my growing was done.  I couldn’t see any area that was possibly left to fix, or change.  However, God had other plans, and He saw one major area of my life that desperately needed to Grow.  I returned home to a message from the Girls Ministries leader from my church asking me if I would be willing to preach at the upcoming girls retreat in two weeks.  She told me the theme was Flourish and I would need two 45 minutes to an hour long sermons plus a 25-30 minute morning devotional.  She told me that God had laid it on her heart to ask me.  When I saw the message, my initial response was to reply immediately and tell her that God was mistaken. Then I wanted to tell her that I had never done one sermon longer than five minutes let alone three sermons, and I had never written them and memorized them in less than two weeks, so there was no possible way I could do it!  Not to mention, I am so uncomfortable standing up and speaking in front of a group!  To be honest, I was right.  In my own ability, I was not capable of doing this.  But God reminded me that I was not the same person I was at the beginning of the year, He reminded me of all the areas in my life that He had helped me to grow, and he reminded me of my desire to be used by Him.  I could almost hear Him say to me, “Do you not trust me and my ability?  Do you not believe that you can do what I say you can do?  Have you forgotten your prayer, ‘here am I, send me’? And do you not want to Grow in this area and come closer to me?”  Then He reminded me of one of my favorite verses, Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ who gives me Strength.”  It was at that moment I realized that this is what God wanted me to do, and could either be obedient or choose not to listen to His call. 

            I replied to the message the next day.  I told our coordinator that I would love to minister to the girls.  I was nervous, I was afraid, and I was so worried that I would fail.  But I knew God had called me.  After praying for days on what God wanted me to speak on, He enabled me to write the two sermons.  I had yet to discover what He wanted me to preach on for the morning devotional.  The retreat was only a few days away.  As I prayed, I felt the Lord lead me to ask a youth pastor I knew from camp for advice.  This was a huge step of faith for me!  I am the kind of person who doesn’t like others to see a project I am working on until it is perfect and complete.  I didn’t want to ask for advice from anyone because I was afraid that I was writing my sermons incorrectly, I was afraid that the content was not good, and  I was afraid I would be criticized and told that I couldn’t preach.  But I pushed all of these fears aside, I swallowed my pride of wanting to do it myself, and I asked for advice and help.  In the end, I was so thankful that God helped me to see that I needed help.  My friend had amazing ideas that I was able to turn into the morning devotional.  I was given advice that helped each sermon become truly focused on God and not my own ability or inability.  God used Him in my life to show me that it’s okay to ask for help, and sometimes when we do, that’s when God opens a door.

            After the sermons were written, I was able to look back and see the growth that had taken place in my life over the past week in a half.  If I had possessed any doubt that God wanted me to preach, those doubts were shattered when I saw the enemy working in my life trying to stop me.  He had tried without success to silence me in my fear.  He had tried to stop me from asking for advice by using my pride and stubbornness.  And since he had failed in these areas he attacked my health.  A few days before the retreat I became very sick!  I couldn’t stand for long periods of time without feeling like I would pass out.  I felt like I couldn’t breathe because of all of the chest congestion I was experiencing.  I kept coughing but it never helped.  All I could do was rest.  I knew that if I could just get a good night’s sleep that I would begin to recover.  But every night leading up to the retreat, I was unable to get the rest I needed.  I was so scared that I would wake up the day of the retreat and be too sick to minister to the girls.  But despite Satan’s attack on me, God was far from finished with me.  The day before the retreat, I almost passed out more than once due to my sickness, my head pounded!  But I was determined not to quit.  The next day, although I was still sick, I felt much better. 

The first night  of the retreat , just before I went up to preach, I was terrified.  All those fears of failure and making mistakes came flooding back to me.  But I wanted to grow and be used by God.  And that is exactly what happened.  The moment I stepped up the stage and started ministering to those girls, the Lord took away my fear and replaced it with a peace that can only be found in Him.  He allowed me to poor out myself so that I could be filled with Him and show His love to each girl.  There were many points in that first sermon where His Holy Spirit and love overwhelmed me and almost brought me to tears.  I was so overwhelmed and humbled to know that God had chosen to use me!  I couldn’t believe it!  Words cannot describe what it feels like to know you were chosen and used by God to reach others. 

            The rest of the weekend flew by along with each sermon.  The girls were so receptive it amazed me!  To see each student go after God they way they did was truly amazing!  At the completion of the week, I am now able to look back and see how much God has helped me to Grow this week, this month, and this year.  I know this is only the beginning of His plan for my life, and I can’t wait to see what the rest of the year has in store!